By NostradumbassPosted Sep 28, 2011
Yeah, we know there’s 13 signs on here. Recent reports indicate the ancient Babylonians knew about the “new” one, too…they just didn’t care. We do.
Aries April 18 - May 13
This week you will have to deal with some negative thoughts. ‘Negative thoughts’ is a nice way to put it, really. More like tortured portions of your self-conscious manifesting themselves as the hollow moans of a broken-spirited ghost. By the way, sticking a screwdriver in your ear won’t help.
Taurus May 13 - June 21
Try not to overindulge your appetites this week. Bloodlust is something that should be satiated gradually. If you take care of five year’s worth in one sitting, the feds will definitely take notice.
Gemini June 21 - July 20
This week, make it a point not to get bogged down in details. Also, the sadder you become over the details, the further you and your horse will sink into them. Someone might film this, and scare the sh*t out of America’s children with it.
Cancer July 20 - Aug. 10
You may find yourself being a bit of a drama queen this week. Keep an eye out, because the coronation of a drama queen is a pretty intense affair. Everyone will equally think everything is about him or her, and each will be greatly disappointed when he or she goes home with no one.
Leo Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Your social center will be strong, and it could make you the flavor of the week. Funny how many people appreciate the flavor of whiskey soaked beef and cheap cologne.
Virgo Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
This week, you’ll have to be productive to stay ahead. Build all you want to, but to date, no one has successfully been able to keep out cybernetic chimps. The failures I’ve seen were, in the truest sense, catastrophic disasters.
Libra Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
A rival will become jealous of you this week. This is a surprise to almost everyone, as no one has ever wanted anything that you’ve ever had.
Scorpio Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
If you delay on situations this week, you’ll miss the boat, and believe me, you want to be on that f**king boat. The only things left on the island you’re stuck on are the spirits of dead sailors and a tribe of folk with a taste for human heart.
Ophiuchus Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
A financial opportunity will present itself this week, but you’ll be forced to ride the pine. Remember to keep you legs firmly in the pine’s stirrups and to move where it moves. Sequoia doesn’t like to be ridden and it certainly doesn’t take any sh*t.
Sagittarius Dec. 17 - Jan. 20
This week, you’ll have to come straight with your lover and tell them how it is: you don’t like electric nipple clamps, and they don’t like electric nipple clamps, so no matter how much you both want to make it work, see if doggy style is more your speed.
Capricorn Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Try not to be too bold when dealing with others this week. If anything, you should be more italicized. If not that, then perhaps underlined. Whatever you do, don’t be strikeout.
Aquarius Feb. 16 - March 11
Maintain a sense of humor this week when dealing with life’s annoyances. It’s worked for everyone else, as their annoyances include your sense of humor.
Pisces March 11- April 17
You’ll experience fuzzy thinking this week. Oh, you and your affinity for Furbies. Man, do you like fuzzy in the most disturbing, dated, Orwellian way possible.