Dear readers, every week it seems we cover some new up-and-coming, flash-in-the-pan train wreck. Not this week. This week, we got nothin’ but the tried-and-true heavy hitters…a collection of golden oldies all bringing their best forms of batsh*t crazy. Bristol Palin is swearing off sex. Jessica Simpson is swearing off the baby weight. And John Travolta is swearing off sex with men. J/K. Let’s get down to the dirty details.

Baby Makes Three!

TMZ reports that Khloe Kardashian and husband Lamar Odom have begun fertility treatments. “Yay, more Kardashians!” said no one.

Livin’ La Vida Lohan!

Great news, everybody. Word from the set of the Elizabeth Taylor biopic Liz & Dick is that Lindsay Lohan has completely cleaned up her act and is a total joy to work with. Just kidding. She’s a cracked-out mess. The National Enquirer has the story.

“Lindsay Lohan has been a nightmare on the set of Liz & Dick, and everyone is working round-the-clock to finish the film before she self-destructs, insiders say... ‘Most days she shows up two hours late and she rarely knows her lines. A production assistant has to feed them to her,’ said a set insider. ‘She’s completely unfocused and she keeps running over to the director, but he doesn’t have a clue how to handle her. The footage so far has been just awful.’”

So, Lindsay Lohan’s a methed-out handful with a lacking work ethic? Shocker. This reminds me of that old children’s fable about the ant and the grasshopper. You see, the grasshopper used to be really pretty and likable, but then it discovered crack. So, while the ant would work really hard all day storing food for the winter, the grasshopper would get mega-fcked up and give handjbs and scream, “I JUST LOVE THE FEEL OF C*CK!” And then do you know what happened to the grasshopper and the ant? They died. So, the moral being, forget work. Just have fun. ‘Cause you’re gonna be dead real soon. I’m total Team Lohan on this one.

Loose Lips & Gay Stuff!

Kelly Preston calls the allegations that husband John Travolta has fondled male masseurs “baseless.” I call them “shocking,” and “invasive,” and “true.” According to In Touch, Kelly’s plan to put the rumors to rest is public vacationing because, “…if John was with his family more, she feels these kind of allegations wouldn’t surface.”

Do you know what the moral of this entire story is? Is it to respect your wife and the oath you took to fidelity? No, Vincent Vega; it’s don’t f*ck the masseuse. Why would a man on the down-low ever think a masseuse is the right way to go? Has anyone ever said, “That guy can keep a secret. He’s a masseuse.”? No. That’d be like saying, “She can keep news to herself. She’s a stripper with daddy issues.” These people will say anything to anybody. They live for attention. So, in the future, John, just bone the gardener. At least if he blabs, it probably won’t be in English.

Jessica’s Gettin’ the Weight Off!

In Touch reports that Jessica Simpson is wasting no time trying to ditch the baby weight. “Since giving birth to her daughter Maxwell Drew on May 1, Jessica Simpson is said to be determined to slim down. And it has now been revealed that the 31 year-old is on a strict timeline to lose the pounds for her upcoming Weight Watchers campaign... The singer and actress has been given the task of losing 50 pounds in just five months.”

Although some may disagree, I think this is a wonderful idea. ‘Cause if there’s one thing Jessica Simpson is good at, it’s failure. And, boy howdy, is she gonna shine with this one.

P.S. Did you catch how they called her an “actress”? Thanks for the laughs, In Touch.

Just Say No!

Bristol Palin’s reality show Life With Tripp may have tanked, but she still has one thing going for her: her born-again virginity. And, as she tells In Touch, she’s sticking to it this time ‘round.

“‘Gino and I are going to wait until marriage,’ she says of her pipeline worker boyfriend, Giacinto ‘Gino’ Paoletti, also 21. ‘I’m doing what’s best for me. It’s between me and God, and I know it’s right... Gino is on the same path; he has the same faith as I do. I’m blessed to have him by my side.’”

Don’t you just love it when sluts try to swear off sex? It’s like when the fat kid says he’s giving up Twinkies. Just saying, in two months, someone’s gonna find Bristol on a late-night binge with cream filling all over her face.

And, I gotta say, it tickles me that she thinks this guy is going to hold out, too. His name is Gino. No one named Gino has ever waited for anything, ever. Or made responsible sexual decisions. Oh, and what does he do for a living? He lays pipe. Yeah, they’ll be ugly-bumping within the week.