As my regular readers know, I usually open this column with some sort of glib, comedic intro. But this week, we ain’t got time. ‘Cause sh*t has gone ka-razy! Lindsay Lohan is busting Francesca Eastwood’s birthday bash. Anderson Cooper’s boyfriend has a boyfriend of his own. And Robert Downey Jr. is leaving his pee out for everyone to see. Let’s get down to the dirty details.

More Linsanity!

Guess what, dear readers? I’m in love! With whom, you ask? Well, I’ll answer that question by giving you the following story from Us Weekly.

“Lindsay Lohan isn’t okay with sharing the spotlight at her favorite Hollywood night club. A source tells us that the Liz & Dick actress appeared to be back to her old, headline-making antics at Bootsy Bellows on Tuesday night and put a wrench in E! reality star Francecsca Eastwood’s birthday bash. ‘Francesca was celebrating her birthday with around a dozen friends in a private area when Lindsay came over and started screaming that Francesca should leave,’ the source says. ‘She was yelling, ‘I’m a star, she’s a nobody, get her out of here.’’”

So, who am I in love with? The bouncer. ‘Cause any man who says to himself, “Man, there’s a famous person trying to celebrate her birthday, and Lindsay is soooo coked up right now. We’re letting her in. ‘Cause this sh*t’s gonna get goooood.” is truly my soulmate.

Rihanna Dishes on Chris Brown!

By this point, I’m sure we’re all familiar with the Rihanna/Chris Brown scenario. But, in case you’ve been living under a (crack) rock (with Lindsay Lohan), in 2009, Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna, leaving the singer a bloody and bruised mess. Now, not to break my journalistic objectivity, but Chris Brown is an idiot. A big one. Rihanna recently sat down with Oprah, and even though she’s said she’s done discussing the attack, when Oprah asks you a question, you f*cking answer it. On the scandal, Rihanna said, “It was embarrassing. It was humiliating. I lost my best friend. I was resentful. I held a grudge. I was dark.”

You held a grudge? When your roommate eats the last Hot Pocket, you hold a grudge. When your mother finds cute ways to tell you that you’ve gained weight, you hold a grudge. When you resent the man who senselessly beat you about the face and neck, that’s not a grudge. That’s righteous rage.

But, on a more optimistic note, don’t think of it as losing a friend. Think of it as gaining a really good plastic surgeon. ‘Cause whoever patched you up did some good work, honey.

I Am Urine Man!

According to “Page Six,” Keanu Reeves’s new documentary about filmmaking, Side By Side, has some startling revelations. Not the least of which is that Robert Downey Jr. was so irritated by the long hours on the set of 2007’s Zodiac that “he left jars filled with urine around the set, in protest.”

Good Lord, Robert. I understand that days on a film shoot can be long and arduous, but you don’t have to get all... pissy. I bet the crew was glad he stopped just short of getting sh*tty. HAHAHAHAHALOLOL. Sweet Jesus, puns are wonderful.

A-Coop’s Dude is Steppin’ Out!

Just a month after coming out of the closet, Anderson Cooper may be ready to shove his boyfriend back in one. This week, British rag The Daily Mail ran photos of Ben Maisani, A-Coop’s reported partner of three years, getting it on in the park with another dude!

“Anderson Cooper’s next set of tough questions could be reserved for his long-term boyfriend Ben Maisani after pictures of him surfaced kissing another man... The images may come as a surprise after it was reported last month that [Cooper] wanted to marry his partner as soon as Labor Day... The couple lives together at Cooper’s converted fire station townhouse and enjoy a low-key lifestyle, working out and going to dinner with friends like Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick.”

This story prompts two reactions from me. One: Who would ever cheat on Anderson Cooper? He’s a silver fox with piercing baby blues and that giggle... Oh, that giggle. And two: I want to hear the fight that went on between those two bitches when Anderson found out. In my head, I imagine it went something like this:

Anderson: You’re kissing men in the park!

Ben: You made me go to Sarah Jessica Parker’s house!

Anderson: So, we’re even?

Ben: Def.

Jennifer + Justin 4-Eva!

Sound the wedding bells! According to People, a certain celeb couple is prepping to walk down the aisle.

“Jennifer Aniston is getting married to boyfriend Justin Theroux!... Aniston, 43, and Theroux, 41, have been dating for more than a year... During an interview on Good Morning America, when asked about her personal life, Aniston couldn’t hide her emotions. ‘Yes, I’m very happy. I’m extremely lucky, and I’m extremely happy,’ she said.”

Well, now that Jen and Justin are making it official, I think it’s time to give them a couple name. Let’s see, if we take the first part of her name and the last part of his name, we come up with... Desperate McWhoGivesaSh*t. I’ve a feeling that one will stick.