This is just one shot of the video that made me physically ill. (Credit: Daniel Hawkes)

This is my first editorial, folks, so pardon the overall angry rant this will inevitably become by the time it’s done.

I came across the “Welcome to the SEC” video that the Texas A&M Aggies made for themselves this week. The video features a different A&M student for every school in the SEC. Each person is wearing a Texas A&M shirt, and in addition is either given a hat or had their faces painted with another SEC team’s colors. The camera cuts to each student yelling a cheer for that school: “Geaux Tigers,” “Roll Tide,” “War Eagle” – you get the point. (It was dumb.)

When I first saw the freeze frame for the video, I tried to convince myself that the Aggies had more pride than this. Surely we wouldn’t have to explain the basics to a school steeped in such tradition like we know we will eventually have to do with Missouri. You were supposed to understand!

See, we hate everyone….and they all hate us. The hate is mutual. LSU hates Bama and Florida and Arkansas and, hell, even Vanderbilt.

(What? You think you’re too smart for us Commodores? Why don’t I take that smirk off your face with our 47 National Championship titles…way to only have one, by the way. Go Women’s Bowling!) See? I don’t even know where the hate comes from, but it flows out of me like a river of purple and gold blood.

That was a lot of hate for a school that does nothing, really…I told you this would get very “ranty.”

Texas A&M was supposed to get it. They come in and it goes right back to the rivalry we’ve had with them since 1899. You make fun of our oddly corn- doggish-smelling stadium like everyone else, and we make fun of you for having cheerleader rejects that get named “Yell Leaders.”

Keep telling yourself you’re important, Aggies. Because you really aren’t. We, on the other hand, have 20,000 drunk fans that do things in unison while both the Tiger Band and Golden Girls do something completely different. That’s an accomplishment. So please, spare me you’re marginally attractive student saying “Geaux Tigers.”

You know what I’m really pissed about? The first time the Tigers and Aggies played, in 1899, A&M won 52-0. People don’t forget…so quit thinking anyone is going to welcome you to the SEC with anything besides a swift beat down of your morale. Then we’ll proceed to sit on you like the fat bully on the scrawny kid in 3rd grade when we meet on the field. Yeah, our mom fed us McDonald’s everyday to help with our girth so we can steal your lunch money and buy more pudding and square pizza.

Finally, at the end of the video (or the “57 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back,” as I’m calling it), the president of the university comes on and tells the camera, “We look forward to getting to know you this year and in years to come.”

This isn’t a Sunday Brunch social with your book club! Drop the act and bring the hate!

There is no Luke Skywalker in this story. Everyone has joined the dark side, and if you try to change that we will strike you with lighting from our fingers, like the Emperor. Yeah the Empire fell; I get it. You know what the good side has? Jar Jar Binks and crappy brown-nosing Texas A&M videos. So excuse me if I’m a little hesitant to jump on your “We Love Everyone” bandwagon.

All I’m saying is the Aggies should have approached it differently. Maybe have students burning other schools flags or even just 13 different students flipping off the camera. That would’ve made you come in with a bang! Put some real fire between those first year match-ups with your new “SEC” family. See, we’re like a very non-supportive abusive family. We only root for you when we have too…in postseason play. Instead of tapping into that magical hate that we all share with each other, you’ve managed to make everyone stop and collectively make fun of you. Thank you, Aggies. Thank you.