Having now seen an episode of TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, I can say confidently that we as a society need to seriously consider placing restrictions on reproduction. I applaud the family for not maximally taxing the country’s resources – apparently they’ve gotten the local authorities to notify them when a deer’s been hit and killed (barbecue time for these folks). That aside, I can say confidently that none of these freaks was part of the original plan. Such is life. On to the premieres.

All-American Handyman – HGTV

Nothing really innovative here: It’s in the exact mold of Top Chef or Project Runway or any show on which you watch a dozen or so attention whores clamor around and screw sh*t up for an hour at a time in the name of winning the very important and esteemed title of whatever-it-is that the producers have just made up. They’ll backbite and bitch their way through the entire season, and the last person standing will fade quickly into mainstream obscurity. That melancholy reality aside, I think this show could be cool simply from the standpoint that the contestants are going to have to build things. And I like watching things being built. If you do too, then tune in to HGTV this Sunday at 9 p.m.

The Next - CW

The tagline to this one is ‘Fame is at your doorstep.’ Then you learn that the judges/coaches (a la The Voice – no original thoughts here) are Gloria Estefan, Nelly, Joe Jonas, and some guy named John Rich. Interesting selection, given the tagline. I wonder whom they’ll enlist to bring said fame to people’s doorsteps – surely not that collection of has-beens and pan-flashes. Anyway, each moribund entertainment icon will groom some average boob with big dreams to be less bad, they’ll watch him or her flail around for a while then they’ll pick a winner for each of six cities. Then those six and another chosen by viewers (supposing there are any) compete in the finals and...yeah. Same old crap. Then again, I know people who still watch American Idol. Clearly there’s a weakness for this stuff. CW’s attempt premieres 9 p.m. this Thursday.

Real Time with Bill Maher - HBO

I know it’s not really what you think of when you think of ‘reality television.’ That’s largely why I’m choosing to dedicate space to it here. No, nobody ever gets ‘voted off,’ and there are no confessionals – unless you count the show itself. Given the mere existence of TLC’s lineup, sociopolitical banter between thoughtful celebrities and experts in the field is plum necessary, in my eyes. A new episode airs Friday at 10 p.m. I’m not sure who’s on the panel this week, but I bet not one of them has ever willfully fed his growing children roadkill. That has to be worth something, right?